Windows Information Warehouse

For a while, these were on the Jokes page, but quickly grew beyond all control, I will add them as they come in.

And yes to the many emails asking - "Any of those yours?"  I was going to change the font on mine, but, eh, why bother? GUESS  Most are submitted, but I've lost track of who did, so, if you want credit, email me.

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Some popup warnings that have been seen on the net and around sites.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 
Close your eyes and press Escape three times. 
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 
Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 
This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 
To shut down your system, type "WIN." 
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington DC? (Y/N) 
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup PENCIL_PAPER.SYS 
User Error: Replace user. 
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 
Warning: Drive C reformating. Press OK to continue.
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way. Do not resist arrest.

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Secret Code Windows runs while installing on your system

/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();

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Ever wonder what some of those unreadable and mysterious files and programs Windows runs during installation really are?

#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ #include /* 
For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE #define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old) {
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version) {
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month); order(programmers, 
stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version); 
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense); vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress) {
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work); pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh"); inform(SAMSUNG, 
"Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM); break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book); when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) {
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article"); release 
(journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware) {
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks; 
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version); 
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems) {
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem"); if 
(smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
bastard");
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years ) {
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her); wave(dollars, 
at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies); 
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies); if 
(boobies_start_to_hang)

dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas); hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in 
process.h */ wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit); 
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry
at us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard); 
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version
); }


void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}

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Mysterious and persistent virus

If you receive an e-mail titled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.
Do not open it.  Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will
also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking
on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch
any CD's you attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink ALL your beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?!!!!
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all the while dating your current lover
behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your
Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way
that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs
to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that
grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98
environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your
hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses
and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll
fart so hard that your leg will spasm, shoot straight out in
front of you, sending sparks, that will ignite your computer.  



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